Wednesday, June 1, 2011

America runs (into traffic) on Dunkin.

Things which I have personally observed to induce temporary psychosis and/or a flagrant disregard for traffic laws in 41.6% of Massachusetts residents:
  • yard sales
  • Dunkin Donuts locations
Symptoms include: uncontrollable vehicular swerving, braking, and U-turning. May cause pedestrians to dash willy-nilly across busy, multi-lane roadways.

NOTE: Preliminary research indicates that Starbucks locations exert entirely different behavioral effects on their devotees, compelling them to purchase books and music collections that help simulate the experience of being at Starbucks when they are (tragically) forced to be elsewhere.

FURTHER NOTE: The "yard sale effect" appears to increase exponentially with the number of families participating and the volume of broken, worthless crap they have to sell. In case of emergency, please refer to this handy color-coded scale:

single-family yard salechaos
two-family yard salebedlam
three-family yard salepandemonium
multi-family yard sale in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot*anarchy & mass hysteria

*Theoretical scenario only; never tested outside a laboratory environment. (Thank God.)


  1. My thanks, Prof. Gentry, for this unique insight into the actions of those infected by massachusius dunkinosis.

    At the next opportunity, I'll be certain to grab some java and tacky lamps and... (cough)...

    Er, rather, I will make investigations on such effects on the local populace in case further safety measures are warranted.

  2. Thanks, Steve! (And good to see that you've at least partially emerged from anonymity!)

  3. Yeah, I'm definitely being bold these days. Still not up to anything like dating that waitress from Macrina Bakery, or getting in a three-way with Kate, but I have been checking out velvet jackets.